Preparation for Day 5 – Home Work – Choice training

I wrote this Sunday morning and couldn’t review it due to travelling and the wedding. Enjoy with some delays!

The last few days have been extremely intense and the group is bounding so it is very hard to find 2 hours to sit down and just write and share. I want to share many experiences with you and want to do so in next week and when I am back home.

Today I will do my home work with you. Between days or even during breaks during the days, we have a bit of home work to do. It is simply to reflect on what happened and what we want to change, as we as giving us tools for the future we could use after the training to make our lives better.

100 Items love list

No particular order:

1. Talking with Fiancée
2. Tea
3. Coconut products (oil and water/milk)
4. School of Life Youtube Channel
5. Kindness
6. Tenderness
7. Hugs
8. Kisses
9. Feeling emotions
10. Listening
11. Sharing
12. my Ipad
13. World of Warcraft
14. Hearthstone
15. Learning and growing
16. Tony Robbins talks
17. Sex
18. Writing on my blog
19. Sharing my knowledge
20. Helping other
21. Support other
22. Give love and care
23. Pay attention to details for the person I love
24. Be surrounded by positivity
25.  Happiness
26. My fiancée’s smiling face
27. See her too in pictures when I am far from her
28. Eggs for breakfast
29. Meatballs for dinner
30. Feeling connected when I stare in someone’s eyes
31. Understanding
32. My broad chest, shoulder and traps
33. Stay in bed in the morning with the person I love
34. Togetherness
35. Feeling I’ve accomplished something hard
36. Meditating in the morning
37. Coaching meetings
38. Morito
39. Intimacy
40. Hold space for people
41. The care and love I receive from my partner
42. My family
43. Being wise
44. Listen to wise people
45. Being surprised
46. Doing what I like
47. Being with people like minded
48. Created a good life for myself
49. Skiing
50. Friends
51. Listening to music
52. Be inspired
53. Chocolate
54. My company
55. Youtube
56. Podcast
57. Humus
58. Gym
59. Clash of Clan
60. Improv
61. Talking to people
62. my new iPhone
63. Money
64. Helping people/sharing knowledge
65. Winter
66. Feeling of peace
67. Honey
68. Free wifi
69. Space
70. Going to costa with friends
71. Facebook
72. Pictures so I can go back in time
73. Feeling loved
74. Feeling accepted
75. Hikking
76. Mountain biking
77. Sensuality
78. Le Trièves
79. When I look sexy
80. Feeling strong
81. Game of Thrones
82. Community
83. Big bang theory
84. Autumn’s colors
85. My dad pictures
86. Be with honest people
87. Witness the human wildness
88. Herbe de provence
89. Hazel nut milk
90. Brownie
91. Walk with partner/friend
92. Restaurant with parner/friend
93. Feeling useful
94. Touching
95. Feeling touches
96. Love
97. Joy
98. Deep breathing
99. Massage
100. Gentleness

 

2. One page about one of the process we did

As usual I won’t details the process itself, I will focus on what happened to me (500+ words).

Yesterday (Day 3) was definitely the toughest for me, after the last process in Day 3 (after 8 hours of it) I chose to dig up some old games of mine and play them very hard. And that stayed with me all day on Day 4 and the process in question had made it so much more worst. To leave it short, I isolate, make myself be in pain and withdraw more and more, I fed on attention but reject people until someone is pulled enough to give me real attention. By that game, I hope people to fix my issues or make the situation better for me because at that time, I’m too scared to face it.

It is a game a played with the participants here, it is a game I played with my partner too. I reached out to my partner for help, showing her how scared and powerless I am so maybe she will spoil me the process as she went through it before or she might just tell me what is the right thing to do. What I don’t do with my partner, is playing my game for long without telling her. I told her what I play and how I play, I told her to not tell me what I need and we could handle that in peace, not judging or blaming one another as we both know that playing games will happen. We accepted each other and made each other feel better about a situation that was bad. I looked helpless and very sad and it worth noting that I am in the Netherlands and her in France when this happened so we couldn’t be together. I shared with her what she did to me for the day, she helped me get through the storm, she was always there as much as she can, she shown so much Love and care. With her, it turned out to be a bounding experience, she loves me whatever I do and she will be there for me in these moments of isolation and deep fear. I knew that, but it is another proof of it.
Regarding my fear, it wasn’t the last I think 12 years scared that much. I wanted to cry all the time, wanted to run away, just wanted to leave, get the train and go back to Amsterdam so I get my plane Monday. At times, it was the only thing in my minds.

I usually ask myself a few questions to go through these moments:

• Would it matter in 3 days? 3 months? 5 years? It won’t even right after I did it, I will never meet the people in the room again probably. They are here to support me and help me and not judge me and mock me. But it wasn’t enough.
• What is the worst that can happen? I didn’t even wanted to think about potential answers here, I just wanted to fight it. I wanted to totally discard that question, even if asked by other person. Because I know nothing bad could happen

After a while, talking to me Fiancée and another girl here, I felt okay, the storm was over. I was peaceful to a certain degree and even willing to give it a shot. Which didn’t lasted for too long. The process probably last 5 hours for 18 of us to do it one by one. I wasn’t the last one to perform, but the one right after. So I build up for 4.5 hours again, looking sad to get attention, being scared inside. Wanting to just open the door, take my bag and leave. I was telling myself that noone can force me to do that if I don’t want to and I clearly didn’t wanted to. I know I can change that, but I felt powerless. I didn’t play games at this intensity for I think 12 years if not more, it surprised me, I thought it was being me for so long.

The outcome of it is pretty simple, I stood up and couldn’t start to perform. I forgotten what I wanted to do, I didn’t wanted to open my eyes to see people face, I was stuck in my head. I just scared and freezing. I tried a few times to start moving my legs, but nothing happened. The training called me, asked  few questions about the performances and then just said something along the line of “Do you want me to piss you off like yesterday by talking about your Fiancée?”, then he told me that he will count to 3 and then I go, whatever comes out, just do it. He did, I did. What I wanted to do came back but the first try wasn’t enough. I had to push myself a lot further to pass that process. I drunk some water, close my eyes and started slyly again, then slowly increased intensity. I took a small break, started again and gave all I could, as much intensity as I can with my voice and body. All that time I kept my eyes closed, didn’t opened then for one second. I didn’t wanted to know if it is working or not, I just wanted to do it. Then I hard the music starting and the cheering, which mean I did it! It felt very good. Everyone was pumped and dancing with me, I felt supported and sharing a strong moment.

I didn’t give that support to my mates last night, I was busy being scared and looking sad. I didn’t get back what I gave them and I appreciate that they could just support me. I felt guilty and wanted to apologise, but it is the ending of my game, I create these situations to feel that and say that so I get more attention.

Long story short, I spent the whole days scared and when I knew the process itself, even more scared up to wanted to quit quite a few times and for something that I was over with it in minutes. That is a very powerful lesson to me as I tend to be stuck in my head

30 Things I could complete next year

1. Travel with my partner to Iceland, Marroco, Serbia and France
2. Chose one of these for our honeymoon (or new place)
3. Do a training together (participant or co-trainers)
4. Stick with a strong morning routine: Meditation, Small workout, Stretching?, healthy breakfast, time for my partner too
5. Develop my blog, reach 300-500 daily visitors
6. Develop my social media reach (in relation to the blog): Have weekly content, quotes and interactions with readers
7. Loose the weight I want and re-engage more with my workouts
8. Keeping all my developmental activities and found new sources (training, YT, podcasts etc.)
9. Keep the daily emotional deposits in my relationship: pay attention, show care, hold space, be there, share, listen, love
10. Save 15% of income monthly and find where to reinvest it
11. Let emotions in deeper so I can break down the walls I build and then I can make more space for Love
12. Move together with my partner only
13. Start making passive income (500 euros per month)
14. Create my own vision board/mission statement
15. Re-do with my partner, our vision board and mission statement
16. Develop projects for the future together and how we are going to build our independence
17. Keep stretching my comfort zone (being in uncomfortable situations, with people mostly)
18. Support my Fiancée in creating her business and develop her meetup community
19. Start the video with Roger and stick to it
20. Put video games as fun, so prioritise the rest
21. Find an experience which is about giving to others
22. Being more accepting of others differences (less judgemental)
23. Start therapy and work on confidence, creating space for emotions and anger/assertiveness
24. Find a coach and a mentor
25. Build relationships with more successful bloggers (visitors/experience and passive income)
26. Make time and space for close friends
27. Engage and touch basis regularly with my family members
28. Talk less and listen more for others
29. Listen to 1 audio book a month
30. Manage my diet better (more whole plants and better quality)

The intention I will bring today is

Peaceful mind