I wrote this Sunday morning and couldn’t review it due to travelling and the wedding. Enjoy with some delays!

The last few days have been extremely intense and the group is bounding so it is very hard to find 2 hours to sit down and just write and share. I want to share many experiences with you and want to do so in next week and when I am back home.

Today I will do my home work with you. Between days or even during breaks during the days, we have a bit of home work to do. It is simply to reflect on what happened and what we want to change, as we as giving us tools for the future we could use after the training to make our lives better.

100 Items love list

No particular order:

  1. Talking with Fiancée
  2. Tea
  3. Coconut products (oil and water/milk)
  4. School of Life Youtube Channel
  5. Kindness
  6. Tenderness
  7. Hugs
  8. Kisses
  9. Feeling emotions
  10. Listening
  11. Sharing
  12. my Ipad
  13. World of Warcraft
  14. Hearthstone
  15. Learning and growing
  16. Tony Robbins talks
  17. Sex
  18. Writing on my blog
  19. Sharing my knowledge
  20. Helping other
  21. Support other
  22. Give love and care
  23. Pay attention to details for the person I love
  24. Be surrounded by positivity
  25.  Happiness
  26. My fiancée’s smiling face
  27. See her too in pictures when I am far from her
  28. Eggs for breakfast
  29. Meatballs for dinner
  30. Feeling connected when I stare in someone’s eyes
  31. Understanding
  32. My broad chest, shoulder and traps
  33. Stay in bed in the morning with the person I love
  34. Togetherness
  35. Feeling I’ve accomplished something hard
  36. Meditating in the morning
  37. Coaching meetings
  38. Morito
  39. Intimacy
  40. Hold space for people
  41. The care and love I receive from my partner
  42. My family
  43. Being wise
  44. Listen to wise people
  45. Being surprised
  46. Doing what I like
  47. Being with people like minded
  48. Created a good life for myself
  49. Skiing
  50. Friends
  51. Listening to music
  52. Be inspired
  53. Chocolate
  54. My company
  55. Youtube
  56. Podcast
  57. Humus
  58. Gym
  59. Clash of Clan
  60. Improv
  61. Talking to people
  62. my new iPhone
  63. Money
  64. Helping people/sharing knowledge
  65. Winter
  66. Feeling of peace
  67. Honey
  68. Free wifi
  69. Space
  70. Going to costa with friends
  71. Facebook
  72. Pictures so I can go back in time
  73. Feeling loved
  74. Feeling accepted
  75. Hikking
  76. Mountain biking
  77. Sensuality
  78. Le Trièves
  79. When I look sexy
  80. Feeling strong
  81. Game of Thrones
  82. Community
  83. Big bang theory
  84. Autumn’s colors
  85. My dad pictures
  86. Be with honest people
  87. Witness the human wildness
  88. Herbe de provence
  89. Hazel nut milk
  90. Brownie
  91. Walk with partner/friend
  92. Restaurant with parner/friend
  93. Feeling useful
  94. Touching
  95. Feeling touches
  96. Love
  97. Joy
  98. Deep breathing
  99. Massage
  100. Gentleness

 

2. One page about one of the process we did

As usual I won’t details the process itself, I will focus on what happened to me (500+ words).

Yesterday (Day 3) was definitely the toughest for me, after the last process in Day 3 (after 8 hours of it) I chose to dig up some old games of mine and play them very hard. And that stayed with me all day on Day 4 and the process in question had made it so much more worst. To leave it short, I isolate, make myself be in pain and withdraw more and more, I fed on attention but reject people until someone is pulled enough to give me real attention. By that game, I hope people to fix my issues or make the situation better for me because at that time, I’m too scared to face it.

It is a game a played with the participants here, it is a game I played with my partner too. I reached out to my partner for help, showing her how scared and powerless I am so maybe she will spoil me the process as she went through it before or she might just tell me what is the right thing to do. What I don’t do with my partner, is playing my game for long without telling her. I told her what I play and how I play, I told her to not tell me what I need and we could handle that in peace, not judging or blaming one another as we both know that playing games will happen. We accepted each other and made each other feel better about a situation that was bad. I looked helpless and very sad and it worth noting that I am in the Netherlands and her in France when this happened so we couldn’t be together. I shared with her what she did to me for the day, she helped me get through the storm, she was always there as much as she can, she shown so much Love and care. With her, it turned out to be a bounding experience, she loves me whatever I do and she will be there for me in these moments of isolation and deep fear. I knew that, but it is another proof of it.
Regarding my fear, it wasn’t the last I think 12 years scared that much. I wanted to cry all the time, wanted to run away, just wanted to leave, get the train and go back to Amsterdam so I get my plane Monday. At times, it was the only thing in my minds.

I usually ask myself a few questions to go through these moments:

  • Would it matter in 3 days? 3 months? 5 years? It won’t even right after I did it, I will never meet the people in the room again probably. They are here to support me and help me and not judge me and mock me. But it wasn’t enough.
  • What is the worst that can happen? I didn’t even wanted to think about potential answers here, I just wanted to fight it. I wanted to totally discard that question, even if asked by other person. Because I know nothing bad could happen

After a while, talking to me Fiancée and another girl here, I felt okay, the storm was over. I was peaceful to a certain degree and even willing to give it a shot. Which didn’t lasted for too long. The process probably last 5 hours for 18 of us to do it one by one. I wasn’t the last one to perform, but the one right after. So I build up for 4.5 hours again, looking sad to get attention, being scared inside. Wanting to just open the door, take my bag and leave. I was telling myself that noone can force me to do that if I don’t want to and I clearly didn’t wanted to. I know I can change that, but I felt powerless. I didn’t play games at this intensity for I think 12 years if not more, it surprised me, I thought it was being me for so long.

The outcome of it is pretty simple, I stood up and couldn’t start to perform. I forgotten what I wanted to do, I didn’t wanted to open my eyes to see people face, I was stuck in my head. I just scared and freezing. I tried a few times to start moving my legs, but nothing happened. The training called me, asked  few questions about the performances and then just said something along the line of “Do you want me to piss you off like yesterday by talking about your Fiancée?”, then he told me that he will count to 3 and then I go, whatever comes out, just do it. He did, I did. What I wanted to do came back but the first try wasn’t enough. I had to push myself a lot further to pass that process. I drunk some water, close my eyes and started slyly again, then slowly increased intensity. I took a small break, started again and gave all I could, as much intensity as I can with my voice and body. All that time I kept my eyes closed, didn’t opened then for one second. I didn’t wanted to know if it is working or not, I just wanted to do it. Then I hard the music starting and the cheering, which mean I did it! It felt very good. Everyone was pumped and dancing with me, I felt supported and sharing a strong moment.

I didn’t give that support to my mates last night, I was busy being scared and looking sad. I didn’t get back what I gave them and I appreciate that they could just support me. I felt guilty and wanted to apologise, but it is the ending of my game, I create these situations to feel that and say that so I get more attention.

Long story short, I spent the whole days scared and when I knew the process itself, even more scared up to wanted to quit quite a few times and for something that I was over with it in minutes. That is a very powerful lesson to me as I tend to be stuck in my head

30 Things I could complete next year

  1. Travel with my partner to Iceland, Marroco, Serbia and France
  2. Chose one of these for our honeymoon (or new place)
  3. Do a training together (participant or co-trainers)
  4. Stick with a strong morning routine: Meditation, Small workout, Stretching?, healthy breakfast, time for my partner too
  5. Develop my blog, reach 300-500 daily visitors
  6. Develop my social media reach (in relation to the blog): Have weekly content, quotes and interactions with readers
  7. Loose the weight I want and re-engage more with my workouts
  8. Keeping all my developmental activities and found new sources (training, YT, podcasts etc.)
  9. Keep the daily emotional deposits in my relationship: pay attention, show care, hold space, be there, share, listen, love
  10. Save 15% of income monthly and find where to reinvest it
  11. Let emotions in deeper so I can break down the walls I build and then I can make more space for Love
  12. Move together with my partner only
  13. Start making passive income (500 euros per month)
  14. Create my own vision board/mission statement
  15. Re-do with my partner, our vision board and mission statement
  16. Develop projects for the future together and how we are going to build our independence
  17. Keep stretching my comfort zone (being in uncomfortable situations, with people mostly)
  18. Support my Fiancée in creating her business and develop her meetup community
  19. Start the video with Roger and stick to it
  20. Put video games as fun, so prioritise the rest
  21. Find an experience which is about giving to others
  22. Being more accepting of others differences (less judgemental)
  23. Start therapy and work on confidence, creating space for emotions and anger/assertiveness
  24. Find a coach and a mentor
  25. Build relationships with more successful bloggers (visitors/experience and passive income)
  26. Make time and space for close friends
  27. Engage and touch basis regularly with my family members
  28. Talk less and listen more for others
  29. Listen to 1 audio book a month
  30. Manage my diet better (more whole plants and better quality)

The intention I will bring today is

Peaceful mind

 

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