This post wasn’t the one I meant to write this week but after what happened last Saturday morning and the days before, I felt I want to share this story as it may be useful to someone! This blog will touch on Doubts and Gratitude and will be split in 2 parts as it turned out to be a long read otherwise! I will let you enter the intimacy of my private life in this post and show how doubt could have hurt my relation with my Fiancée and how Gratitude played an important part so we could keep going on happy and stronger.
You probably heard about what Gratitude can do for us, whether from TedTalks, Self-Development & Well-being blogs and even entrepreneurs all around YouTube. In this blog, I’d like to demonstrate that by practicing Gratitude you can make some significant changes in your life and as it turned out this time, save our couple from huge troubles!
The last week hasn’t been the easiest. I am engaged to the most wonderful woman I know on hearth and we are getting married next month. My Fiancée and I practice complete honesty in our couple, we share what is going on in our heart and mind in most occasions.
Here is the trouble maker kicking in: Doubts. Doubts happen to every aspect of my life so it is indeed impacting for my feelings, emotions or thoughts. This is what was getting stuck in my head:
“Why when I say “I love you”, it feels I lie sometimes?”
“Would things work between each other?”
It is not easy to “hold space” for me when this is happening. When I can’t be connected to her and she can see it. When this is what I share with her. It is simply making her Certainty need not met anymore!
This image represents the 6 Core Human Needs from Tony Robbins. Certainty is a Survival need, me sharing my doubts is triggering her self-defense mechanism, her fight or flight reflexes. It pushes her to react from the past; from her past experience where doubts turned out to be true and have been hurtful.
The truth is that I didn’t mean to hurt and close her, I meant to share my struggles. I was honoring one of our core values: Being Honest. I needed space to be held for me, time to process and understand what’s going on- but most of all, I needed acceptance and help from the person I love.
One wise man one time said:
“Doubt is Fear”
And I agree with that very much!
The issue I faced is that doubts were in my Head, not in my Heart. It was confusing my Heart and interfering with it. When I was scared and stuck with these questions in my Head, I was disconnected from my Heart. The feelings of Love and Care were trapped in the cage that Fear can create. I know I love her, I know I care about her and I show it on a daily basis consistently since we are together. So even if I know and feel I love her, why, at times, I doubt? Even worst, why could these doubts stick and slowly build up?
While in the middle of this crisis, I’ve looked quite a lot online. In the past, having a better understanding of the issue helped us resolve it in an healthy way as well as speeding up the process. I found different articles about relationships and what it means to have doubts. I did find what I knew already but I had to read and think about it again to be able to get the benefits. I was too busy being scared of my doubts that I couldn’t help myself. One blog post struck me as it was describing exactly how I felt and as well teaching me something new:
The main “take away” from the article is that when I feel I lie to her, when I said I love you, I actually lie to myself. Being willing to overcome saying “I love you” to her is “honoring the deepest place of my heart” because I know I Love this woman. I need to be courageous and keep saying it! What I would add to that is I also need to keep sharing with her that I was doubting (otherwise it is just hiding or isolating!).
“Every time you say I love you even when you don’t feel it, you’re being truthful to the part of you that does love your partner.”
I find that this quote is closely linked to one book I already talked about in my previous posts: One book that could change YOUR life too (Part 1; Part 2). The author of “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective people” wrote: ”
“Love is a verb. Love – the feeling – is the fruit of love the verb or our loving actions. So love her. Sacrifice. Listen to her. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her.”
The book and the blog are similar and very powerful on that point. In life we chose, whether we understand or not that it is a choice, it is still one. Rarely anything is forced on us and even if it was the case, we could still chose how we respond to it. I made the choice to Love her so I need to act like it. I will have to chose her many more times and so far, each time I do, it’s been worth it!
“By doing loving actions every single day, we will shrink fear while growing and nourishing the part of our heart that give and receive love.”
I want to go back to the story: All the reading or talking and sharing didn’t heal that open wound. It made my doubts okay and I could be accepting of them. It helped me to take some distance from the situation and stop being overwhelmed by it. I could start seeing a way out. The way out wasn’t the one I imagined!
I’ve been worried, sad, depressed or felt misunderstood during this crisis. It was hard to be connected to my Heart, I was too busy in my mind. It was hard to be connected to my Fiancée, I was too busy being scared of hurting her. I kept an open communication with her because I wanted to be understood. The more doubts and the longer they stay, the more complex it gets. I do not hold nor have built any resentment towards her in that process, I know she is doing the best she can for me, herself and us as she always does. That point is truly important, if I had built resentment, we would have to deal with so much more when the initial situation is resolved.
The truth is when you are one month ahead of your wedding, this was scary shit for both of us!
In the coming days, I will publish the second part of this article. It is almost complete but it needs some more love <3
I will touch on Gratitude and how it was so important in this situation. So far most of my readers are friends or family so I’d like to say that things are great with my Fiancée. 🙂 She was happy for me to share this story with you all in case it is helpful to anyone and as well because Gratitude is important to both of us!