In your love relationship, one of the most destructive actions you can is questioning the intent of your partner. In this article, we will explore why look at the Law of Positive Intent but also what else can you do instead of question intent!
The Choice is Yours
When we meet someone, at some point in our journey, we know their soul and heart. We know they love us, we know most of who they are and we feel that they are the person we want to grow with, maybe build a family or getting old and happy together.
If we believe that their intent is pure, then the suggestion here is to never question intent. That’s the choice we can make and need to make to never do it again. If you did make that choice already but it was a while ago, I would encourage you to review it. Over time the strength of such decisions is eroded by the little hurdles of relating to another being.
Do not, ever, ever, ever! Question intent!
Okay so, why is that sooooo important?
“You know the deeper truth, that it is a no blame game”
The point here is simple: if you question someone’s intent, it goes with a judgment and likely an assumption. When we do question intent, we do tell our partner we think that they wanted to hurt us, that we think that they are mean to us and that we think that they are bad for what they did. We play the blame game.
By questioning intent, we move away from a state of acceptance and vulnerability. We show them our hurt and that we want to fight. We all know where it goes, we all questioned intent at some point and saw how bad a small issue can turn into a monster. Or even worst, something big turned into a deal breaker that we struggle to overcome. The bottom line is that questioning intent can destroy your relationship, for good.
When we feel the hurt of a betrayal, the pain of someone breaking our trust or lying to us, temporarily, we might want our partner to feel some pain and hurt too. When we are triggered, when we want to fight back. That is when remembering our earlier choice is needed so crucial. We need to surrender to that choice and decide to trust even if it looks horrible. After all, it will sooin enough be okay and even better, possibly, it will even make sense.
Remember: No matter what they do, no matter how bad it looks, you made the choice to never question that your partner had a bad intent.
- Your partner did something hurtful? They might just have been scared
- Your partner broke the trust? They might just have been overwhelmed by anxiety in a moment
- Your partner was so egoist and selfish! How could they? In the moment, they might have just understood the situation differently
The poor decisions and mistakes happen in a moment. Fears, stress, worries, obsessions, past wounds or coping mechanisms, all of these are our high ways to making mistakes and stupid actions that we would never do if we were alright in that moment.
Whatever the size of the matter at hand, if we stop questioning our partner intent, we will have a better chance to resolve the issue. As we will work together, as we will create space for acceptance and vulnerability. We keep the door of Love open.
We now know what we shouldn’t do, let’s look at one of our options!
What else could we do?
While we do not want to question intent, we do not have to accept everything either. It is important to preserve our boundaries and that will foster respect and deepen love too.
“You question my intent, you end the relationship. You question my behaviour, you have all the right to do that!”
So the key is now given to you… We must believe that our partner had the best intentions at heart but possibly, how they act on that intent was not the greatest decision of all times. Relationships are complex and we as beings, we are also complex and sometimes we struggle just to do things right for ourselves. So might create hurtful and fearful situations for our partners too.
What I have seen in a lot is that we need have unsaid and unmet needs, our behaviours tend to be poorly chosen. Let’s look at an example together! I’ve built an example in a way that many of you will be able to relate too as we often behave like that.
I feel quite low lately and I have cravings for attention and care. While I might not be fully aware of these cravings, my behaviour is speaking for itself. I scrutinise every move of my wife to see if she will get me that attention and/or that care. I find problems and engage her with questions, to see how she reacts. In other words, I test her. I am trying to answer the following questions: Does she sees me? Does she care? Do I matter to her?
The reality is that she does care, I do matter to her but she might not have seen my current cravings. She cannot guess and even more, she shouldn’t be expected to guess. She might have her own things going on or her own worries.
But for me, my needs are unsaid and not met.
After a few days of that, I might focus more on other things or people. I could call my family or some friends and distance myself from my wife. Maybe there is a woman at the gym or in the supermarket that is looking at me and I could fantasize about it. I could also take refuge in food or gaming, so I can distract from these unpleasant feelings coming from unmet needs. When attention and care are unmet, we feel rejection, we feel loss, we are focusing the lack and because we do, that’s what we have (you can read more on that in my article: What You Focus On Is What You Get).
After a few more days, I could start to resent her. I could start to be snappy with her. After a while, we might get both upset and yell at each other!
At that point, it could be easy for my wife to question my intent. I’ve been isolating, I’ve been mean. I’ve been connecting with other people or things. Maybe I just wanted to hurt her or us?
As I made it clear at the beginning of that example, I never intended any of that. I just wanted care and attention. I made poor choices to met these needs. When I realized and witness myself behaving poorly, I could have just been honest and vulnerable and explain how I feel regarding my needs. Then we could have looked together at how to meet them. I can’t expect her to meet my needs, she has a right not to be available, but at least, I would give her a chance to meet them.
This example illustrates exactly why we should never question intent. It can look as bad or worst as my example, but it might just be an unspoke and unmet need behind it. If we stay close to our partner and learn how to communicate and also meet needs, then we might be on the path to a great future together!
To Go Further
I first heard of the Law of Intent in this Tony Robbins extract of one of his seminar. The Law of Intent is one of the first parts of the extract, you just need to listen for 3-4 minutes. It starts around 2’30!