After more than a month posting daily, I took a small break, but it is time to go back to one of my favourite activity! In the recent weeks, I have been inspired by the vulnerability and the honesty of some other content creators. By their genuinity and their openness. So I decided to bring some of that in that article. Which is why the recent break in writing is the subject of today’s article
The break from writing was not planned. I let it happen. During these days, I prioritised other elements and other routines; a big one was to spend more time with the most important person in my life.
Here is the little story…
My wife and I have been away from each other for about four weeks in the past six weeks. She always dreamt of being an international trainer, and she had an opportunity to take part in three different training events in that period. We embrace such occasions that she is creating for herself, so we agreed on her going for all of them. It was a dream coming true, and it is rare enough to go and pursue it. Initially, she went away for three weeks (Netherlands), then she came back for one week, and went away for another week (Italy). She is now back for about a good week.
These weeks away from each other have been hard for both of us. On her side, the trainer’s life leaves little space for self-care, connection with me or doing her daily rituals for her well-being. While on my side it was more “life as usual”, I distracted through excessive routines, obsessing gaming, and I left little space in my life to process the emotions and thoughts that were happening. The outcome of these poor decisions on both sides made it hard to reconnect when we were finally together again. We weren’t in right places with our own self, so how could be in connected as a couple?
The last few days, we have spent extensive time together. Talking, sharing, listening, exploring, holding space, admitting fault, apologising, and saying kind words too. Sometimes we failed miserably and got upset at each other. Sometimes we felt close again, in Love and loved back. That is just part of the dance of Love. The dancers weren’t synchronised for days, we would step on each other toes, move too fast or too soon. But slowly, with continuous and conscious efforts, the dancers could become synchronised.
I shared much on that blog about communication, languages of love, handling conflict, and there is much more I learned that I did not share yet. But all that knowledge is useless if it cannot be applied. These days have been a trial of utilising all that, with various degrees of success.
We had fears, insecurities and worries to go through. We had resentment to unveil and hurtful moments to share openly. We had to physically and sexually reconnect. We had to choose each other every day, so we could keep moving forward. Initially both at our own space, but then, we could start to move together again. We held enough space and shared enough that both of us could heal, feel understood, and feel cared for. The outcome on that is the last two days have been amazing. We brought back the feeling of being in love, and we create a lighter and uplifting atmosphere.
Something I did not write about (yet?) is the language of the body. Some people call it somatic, as in body sensations (somatic experiences). The physical and sexual reconnection usually cannot happen through words. While a clear communication might restore trust, and love and help tremendously, it isn’t always the language of our bodies need to hear.
Our bodies speak their own language, and most of us, haven’t been taught to use that language. At least, I know I wasn’t. I was shown the opposite, as the body is often diminished compared to our brain. We are taught that words can fix anything and that rational thinking will help us at any time. While the power of words and rational thinking is not to dismiss, some problems need other solutions. Using our bodies, we can touch, smell, taste, and feel. We can receive and give. We can trigger our physical memories, and some are great to revive.
If you ever feel that being intimate is a challenge in your relationship, try to stop talking for once. Both of you. Clear your schedule, plan a few hours together, and have an understanding that while it might involve sex, there are no expectations. Nobody is expected to have an orgasm, nobody is forced to do what they do not feel like doing. It is a safe space for the bodies to re-discover one another. It is a safe space to use senses we leave behind too often.
Kiss, caress, smell, lick, bite, squeeze, hold, shake or anything you might like. More than that, anything that the other likes. When we are genuine givers, we create the pleasure for the receiver. Let yourself move freely, do not try to be right or do the right thing. Do whatever is feeling good in that moment. No matter how it looks. Turn down the light if it helps. Finally, breathe and enjoy.
If I want to share that with you is that it could have gone a lot worse, and many couples experience that worse. We applied the skills taught in the books and videos that I am usually talking about on this blog. Without these skills, while it would be far to cause an end to our relationship, we know that this kind of unresolved conflicts are building over time, and they are shattering some many relationships. It is crucial to learn how to handle them the best we can and keep being better at it.
Moments like that are happening in any relationship, no matter how happy people look on Facebook photos, or what they tell you. It’s part of being with someone, and we can learn how to grow from it. My intention by sharing our struggles is that it will inspire other partners, and possibly couples to follow a journey of learning and growing together. Pain allows us to grow, so to grow in our relationships, we need these moments.
Thank you for your time and reading my post.
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